Frustration and that small thing called Spanish.

Something I really struggle with is frustration.

This week has been a week of trying to figure out what I've been feeling, and why I've been feeling a little bit like a roller coaster. Most of the time I feel so happy, being where I am. Like I wrote in the blog I posted yesterday, I am so excited. So many things bring such joy into my life, but so many things brings disappointment, anger and frustration. Normally I complain to Mum about it, or think about it for half an hour and then get distracted by the next crazy, fun thing in the life of an exchange student. But I think it's about time that I sit up and look at why I feel these emotions, and try to deal with the problems.

"I guess I haven't written anything in my diary because I felt like I didn't have anything to say.... except that I have everything to say. I know that in 10 years time I am going to look back on these past couple of days wondering what I did and how I felt. And I won't be able to remember. I feel a little bit like a puppy. I am getting so distracted. One moment I'm feeling so excited about something new that I've understood, and then the next I'm sad because I feel like I don't understand anything. And it's not just understanding. It's speaking. My understanding of the language is light-years ahead of my speaking. I want to speak Spanish. I do. Desperately. But I just get so scared. Not even scared really. It's just that English is easier to use. I need to get out of that mindset now. Right now. Spanish, here I come. Look out. Laura Konemann is coming!"

I often write in this blog about how exchange is hard, and then go on to say how good it is. Often, the things that exchange so hard, are things that I can't talk about on a public blog.

But, I want to write about these frustrations. I often feel like I'm getting whiplash from the emotions I experience. I feel so incredible blessed to be here in Spain, and I absolutely love it, but with every good thing, there is also the downsides. I get so frustrated and disappointed in my lack of Spanish. I know that I have improved so much from when I first arrived in Spain, but I honestly hoped and thought that I would be soaring along right now. I thought that conversations would be easy, that I would be able to communicate all that I want, and that I'd be actively participating in class by now. I know now, that that was an unrealistic expectation for most exchange students learning another language. But, I also know, that if I applied myself more, I would be further along in my language skills. I can understand so much more than I can communicate, and that just pretty much breaks my heart, that I can't yet express how I'm feeling, or reply back straight away. At home, I speak English with the kids, to help them learn English. This brings me great joy, seeing them improve a little each day, but with that the biggest frustration that the people I spend the most time with, and the people I talk to most, I have to speak English with them.

Everyday I understand a little more. I love understanding, but it also comes with its drawbacks. In school, there is one teacher who stands against everything that I am: English speaking, and faith. I am an English speaker. I am a Christian. Every lesson without fail she tells her class how much she dislikes these two things, which gets me extremely frustrated. My class doesn't like it either, but they say they have to put up with it. I get so... exhausted. Exhausted of trying so hard to understand, only to feel like what she is saying is directed personally to me. Exhausted of understanding everything except the key point. And although I'm understanding some things, most of the time I'm clueless. Especially if the question or statement is directed at me. I'm so sick of being the idiot!

I don't like not understanding, and I don't like it even more when people remind me every single time I don't understand a word or sentence. So often I feel like a failure because I don't apply myself as much as I should, and that I've been here for 11 weeks, and still don't understand a lot. I look at other people's exchanges, and get incredibly jealous of their language skills or their lives, when deep down I know that they are struggling with the exact same things as I am.

This year (so far!) has been a great year of growth for me, as I have learnt to trust and depend on God so much. As I've said in past posts, my family and friends and familiar and safe place is not here in Spain. But God is. And I feel like God has placed me where I am, with the difficulties I have, for a reason. But it doesn't make it any easier. Something that I have greatly struggled with is comfort. Comfort means, "To soothe in time of affliction or distress." I have realised these past couple of weeks, that I have put my comfort in English. Mum told me about how people often put their comfort in other things like food, sport, language instead of God. For me, this past week has been a week of true realisation that I have put my comfort in English instead of God. Things that I think I can control. And, this isn't the way it should be. I use English instead of Spanish because it is easy. I know English. I don't have to be afraid of getting things wrong, or not knowing what to say. I fall back on English too much, so that I leave no space for me to fall and make those language mistakes so I can pick myself up again and learn how to say it properly. I have put my comfort in English instead of God. I have soothed myself, relieved myself of my frustrations (at least I thought I had!) by using English. But, instead of feeling soothed, I feel frustrated. Frustrated at myself, my situation, and the fact that I can't speak Spanish.

This, this post, is me telling the world that I need to put my comfort in God. I need God's unfailing love to be the warm blanket that makes me feel better, for it to soothe my distresses, relieve the pain. English, food, sport, these things can't take away the frustrations or my problems. The only thing that can is God. Instead of trusting in Him properly, stepping forward on this scary thing called exchange, I've run and hidden under a table, excusing myself from getting my hands dirty, telling myself that it's "too scary" or "too hard". I didn't come on exchange expecting it to be easy. I didn't come on exchange to back out or run away from the hard times. I came on exchange to confront these aspects of life that I struggle with, to challenge myself beyond compare. I came on exchange to learn Spanish, experience a culture and gather enough knowledge and memories and experiences to last the rest of my life.

This is me, telling you all publicly that this is my aim of exchange. I don't want to return from exchange full of 'what-ifs'. What if I had learnt Spanish fluently? What if I had tried that dish? What if I had invited myself to that party? I want to let myself fall into the comfort of God's love and spread my wings and truly fly. God has amazing things planned for the rest of this year, and I need to trust in Him and let Him guide me through that.

So what I ask for is prayer. Prayer that I will follow through on what I am saying. Prayer that I will lean on God and have His unfailing love be my comfort. Prayer that I will praise the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort.

The following bible verses are some that have been really eye opening to me, and have given me great comfort over the last day or two. I encourage you to look at your own lives, and see where you have been finding comfort. You may be surprised. I was.

May your unfailing love be my comfort, according to your promise to your servant. - Psalm 19:76

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. - 2 Corinthians 1:2-4

I love those who love Me, and those who seek Me early and diligently shall find Me. - (Proverbs 8:17) (Sent to me from another exchanger, Vic - http://stepsandslow.blogspot.com/ )

P.S. After writing all this, I'm still loving my time here, and being encouraged greatly by all that I'm learning and being challenged in.

Winter has returned...

I don't want to apologise for not writing again last week, because my excuse is that I got caught up in life, enjoying the Spanish culture and all that Spain has to offer... I don't think that is something to be sorry about. It is my only hope, that as these weeks turn into months, I will become more and more busy becoming a little Spaniard. But nonetheless, I have so much to say that I wish I had written last week, and let you all know what's been happening in my life these past two weeks.

What a couple of weeks it has been. Not that anything remarkable, or life changing has happened, but small things that make me realise that I am in Spain, and that there will be both good times and bad. Exchange has been crazy, and so completely different than I or anyone else could have imagined it. Last week, I had credit card fraud. My money from my bank account was stolen, leaving me with $50 in the bank. Credit card fraud isn't extremely pleasant at any time, but it's especially not nice when you're on the other side of the world from your support system, without knowing what to do. It was one of those moments where I just wanted to hand everything over to Mum and Dad and let them deal with everything. I sent them an email about what to do, but had to call the bank to get everything sorted out. Mum and Dad helped lots, and I am forever thankful that they didn't really mind waking up at 2am in the morning to help me sort it out! I felt a little like I had been pushed into the deep end, without a lifesaver. I had to try and explain what had happened to my host family, which took a while cause we didn't understand each other at first. María Antonia thought that I had had $50 stolen, telling me to be careful next time... but after we communicated to each other that I only had $50 left in the bank it became much clearer. It doesn't feel like too much of a big deal writing about it now, but I remember feeling overwhelmed by everything at that moment. But it was a great learning curve for me, as I had an important issue that needed to be talked about, and gave me an opportunity to improve my Spanish. Not everything has been resolved from the fraud, as I haven't got my money back yet, but I am hoping that it'll be returned!

These past two weeks have been the weeks where I have felt like I have finally settled in. I am starting to get into the rhythm of life, and have started to feel like, and have accepted that Tudela is my home for the next year. It has been an incredibly exciting, fun, draining, tedious and wonderful experience to have things start to feel like home. I have started to have a routine. I now know that if I walk up the stairs to cross the bridge over the train station in the morning before the old beret-wearing grandfather taking his grandson (I'm assuming) to school, then I am on time. If they are infront of me, then I am running late. I know that I'll pass the courtyard near my house on the way to school at 8:37 every morning. I know that I'll pass the courtyard before school at 8:44 and I can walk slowly and relax a little. I know how long it will take me to get to la biblioteca y el conservatorio (the library and the music conservatory) and when I need to rush or relax. I know that on Monday, I'll pass that lady who walks her Siberian Husky. La camerera (The waitress) at the coffee shop I go to everyday knows exactly what I want, and I don't need to ask anymore. I have noticed the routine in other people's lives, which only emphasises to me, the fact that I now have a routine. This thought alone is invigorating, and a little crazy to comprehend. I am looking forward to when I know Tudela like the back of my hand, and I can't wait for the day when it will become my 'second home'.

Last Wednesday I got the opportunity to go to Madrid for the day!! I had to go to re-apply for my extended Visa. I was so excited, and I couldn't wait to see the other exchange students to see what they have been up to this past month. We have all Facebooked each other, but it's not the same as face-to-face contact. I wasn't sure as to how I was going to be getting to Madrid, as JYC (Juventud y Cultura, [Youth and Culture] - my Spanish exchange program) hadn't organised anything. After writing to them, they finally (In Spanish time!) replied and let me know that they were paying for my ticket, and that I'd be going by train. I was really happy, because it cut my travelling time down by 4 hours (2 extra hours there, 2 extra hours back by bus.) Winter has temporarily returned to Tudela, with really extreme winds, and it has been absolutely freezing. I will be wearing lots of layers, all rugged up, but the wind just passes straight through them, making me feel like ice. I had been told that Madrid was even colder, so I left to walk to the station with too many layers on to count. I started to walk and as I was listening to my Ipod, my fingers started to lose their feelings. Regardless of my loss of feeling, I was in total bliss. I felt so blessed to be able to be walking to the train station in such a beautiful town, looking at the white sky and feeling... at home.... when it started to snow. On the outside I was calm and poised; on the inside I was a giddy five year old, jumping up and down. I got to the train station with 15 minutes to spare, and had the choice of waiting inside for the train, or waiting outside with the snow. I chose the snow. It was so beautiful, with the wind picking up the snow and making beautiful patterns, each of the snowflakes doing their own dance. I noticed that I had started walking in circles, walking in beat to my music, bopping about, a goofy grin plastered to my face, with the Spaniards looking out at me from the heated waiting room at the crazy girl who was dancing with the snow. This is why I love exchange. This is why I love Spain. I get to experience small but amazingly big things. These small but big things will be the things that I remember when I'm 84 with no teeth telling my great-grandchildren about that time I went to Madrid.

The train ended up being half an hour late. The trip down was stunning, with the landscape changing by the minute.

From mountainous (you can't really tell from the photo, but it was!)

To desert. I know that it doesn't really look like there is much difference, but it was staggering. So beautiful.

It was great to see the other exchange students. I felt quite nervous though, I'm not sure what about... maybe about my language skills, if what I had been experiencing had been the same as the others... but as soon as I saw them, that nervousness faded away, It was so good to see them, and lo and behold... we have been experiencing the exact same things. I was really impressed by everyones Spanish and was so glad that their Spanish had come so far when they hadn't known any to begin with. Most of them (I think!) are taking Spanish for foreigners classes and I think I may look into that, cause it's obviously working immensely for them. We got the Visas done, without any pain and talked to each other at every possible moment about how everything was going... comparing daily routine, food, family, friends, experiences. It was so nice to see people who were experiencing what I have been experiencing, at the exact same time. It was extremely reassuring that the struggles I have had were the same that they were experiencing. We had lunch together, and we ordered a salad. (YES!!) All of us have been feeling quite sad about the lack of fresh vegetables and salad that Spaniards eat. It was nice to share a moment of, "Oh my goodness, if I don't eat some salad soon I might die" together, and then eat a salad and sigh at the loveliness and un-oily-ness of it. We were on our own then, and decided to have a Starbucks coffee. We all ordered our coffee, and I was astounded by how normal it felt to be ordering in Spanish. It made me realise how far my Spanish has come, and how I am confident enough to do everyday things like order coffee. Ordering coffee may not seem a big thing, but to do it with ease, and no fear of getting things wrong makes me feel on top of the world. These are the moments that make exchange. I feel like most of my accomplishments that I feel, are ones that seem so small and insignificant. I guess that there will be many small and insignificant moments that I will remember forever.

There is nothing like sharing a cup of coffee with a group of girls. And these girls, (L>R: Rachael, Me, Pascale, Vic and Bianca) are girls I know that will be very close to my heart at the end of this year. We all share a special bond and cannot wait to get to know them more and more.

I love Madrid. It is so beautiful. Although I have only been there twice, and for such a short amount of time for both of those times, I know that Madrid is one of my favourite cities in the world. I look at Madrid with a little bit of possessiveness. I look at it, and I feel myself whisper to myself, "Mine." Because, for a year, Madrid is mine. It is mine to explore, to look at, to become a part of. Because this year is all about me being in Spain, discovering Spain, becoming Spanish. I feel like everytime I have come to Madrid it has taken a little piece of my heart. The architecture is amazing. The atmosphere is inviting, like a hot cup of coffee on a cold winters day. The people's Spanish nature is infectious. Everyday I find myself falling a little more in love with Spain and it's culture.

I have found myself liking different things than when I first arrived in Spain. I like a little bit of olive oil on things now. When I first arrived, I thought it was weird, and I thought to myself, "Why did I come to a country with such weird food!" I am becoming a Spaniard by picking the bones from my fish, occassionally chewing the fish from the bone. I now use washing up gloves, when before, in Australia I despised them. In Australia I never used a bath mat, thinking they were the most stupid invention in the world, and I secretly had a thing against people that used them. Here in Spain, we use them. I have gotten so used to the bath mat, that, the other day, when the bath mat wasn't in the bathroom, I freaked out, thinking to myself, "How am I supposed to get out of the shower! I can't get out of the shower without my bath mat!" Before carefully getting my hand towel from its rack and placing it on the ground as a substitute bath mat. In Australia, I did not like licorice. In fact, I really didn't like it. I wouldn't ever eat it. But here, in Spain, I love it. I'm not sure if it's because it's differently made, or if it's because I miss my Dad so much and I know that he likes licorice. I am astounded at the things that have changed. But, I'm enjoying and embracing this type of change.

There has been some things that I worry about, particularly with change. I have been challenged immensely while I've been in Spain by the different personalities I have seen while I've been here. I feel like a lot of the time, I don't really fit in here. I mean, I do in some sort of way, but I'm different. I am yet to meet a Christian in Spain. That's been so difficult for me. People expect particular things out of people, or expect people to behave in a way that I don't really want to be like. I don't see the point in getting drunk every weekend, or doing stuff that is not good for my body or good for me emotionally. I am still new here, in Spain, and I haven't yet made a real Spanish friend. Yes, I have friends, and I chat with them, and I would call them my friend... but it's difficult to have a friend that you connect with on a deeper level when you don't share the same language. I know that a lot of exchangers struggle with this, and it is a challenge, as I want to fit in, become friends with everyone, without giving up who I am, and what I believe.

"I don't want to sacrifice myself, who I am to have people accept me. I don't wante to give up who I am, who God made me to be to fit into what people expect of me. I am different to a lot of people. (General group of people... not everyone!) I haven't met a single Christian while I've been here, and that has been difficult. There have been times when they've (This they I'm talking about is about a particular group, not about the whole of Spain or my whole class etc...) bagged out Christianity, and I've just wanted to run. But, I haven't. I've told them what I believe. They have a moment where they stare at me in embarrassment of what they've just said, and then I smile and it's all ok. And I think they respect me more because of that. I haven't shied away from who I am, and what they've said. Sure, I'm still different. I'm not Spanish right now. I am Laura, the Australian. I want to adapt and become a culture Spaniard, but I will never be the person who will give themselves up for the ways of the world. It may be a more difficult road, but I've heard, (and studied... :|) that 'the road less taken...' has '...made all the difference'"

That being said, I really like my classmates, and I don't always feel like I am completely different from them. They really do go out of their way to approach me and be friendly to me, and I'm beginning to see through my first judgments of them, and see the real person behind the clothes and hair and appearances. I just tried uploading a class photo of my class, but it didn't work. So, I shall tell you about them in text, and hopefully will get the photo up another day. Starting from the top left of the photo:

Gonzalo. I sit next to him in most of my classes, and is probably the nicest person in the world. He is always going out of his way to make me comfortable, or making sure I understand everything. His mum is a kindergarten teacher, so he brings me in books in Spanish and gets me to read them to improve my Spanish. He is really nice. He is also 18. Most of the kids in the class are 16, which I struggle with, as soon I'll be 19, and they'll still be 16, or 17. A two or three year age gap.

Carlos. I don't really know anything about him. I haven't ever talked to him, but he seems nice enough.

Luis. Luis is also 18. He is a giant, (compared to me anyway.) and is really lovely. He is always late to class, (it seems) but noone seems to mind. I think he has the goofiest smile and has a big laugh. But, also has a shy side to him.

David. Hilarious. I love him. I kept wondering why he kept on changing clothes for while, as I'd see him in some classes with one jacket on, another class with a different jacket. Turns out he has a twin brother, that's in geography with me. Oops. Loveliest guy, and is my little badminton partner. He reminds me of Scotty, with all the energy he has.

Raquel. Raquel is really nice. She is an amazing artist. In Latín I sit next to her, and just stare in awe at the talent she has.

Sabier. He cracks me up. I assume he has the humour of Arby, and is extremely stubborn. When he gets into a debate, he gets extremely fired up. VERDE ES VERDE! Filosofía brings fun memories of him and the teacher arguing.

Tamara is gorgeous. Absolutely beautiful. And nice :)

Pablo. Pablo's a ranga. And funny. And nice. I like him.

Andrea. Andrea reminds me of Jess Taylor. I think you guys would be friends. I quite like her too.

Aritz. He reminds me of Nick Davidson. Has a unique laugh, but I don't really know anything about him. He's nice too.

Rosa. Rosa is gorgeous. I don't really know much about her, but everyone really likes her, so I'm assuming she's really nice!

Javier. He is pretty much the Spanish version of Joel. But more... Joelish. It's like having 100 Joels in the room. I like him :)

Nora. Nora is Madi Weston. But Spanish. So cute, and adorable and shorter than me. She is so unbelievably nice and wonderful. And she seems to be small enough to fit in my baggage to take back home. She is really really, lovely. I really like her.

Sofia. Sofia sits infront of me, and although we haven't talked much, she's really lovely. She is going out with Gonzalo, and they've been together for a year and a bit. They're really cute together, and she has a nice smile.

Marta. Marta sits next to Sofia, and is really good friends with her and Gonzalo. She is really nice, and absolutely gorgeous. I love her hair.

Adjowa. Adjowa is the other exchange student, and I've already talked about her in previous blog entries. She's really nice, and has helped out heaps with my first few weeks of exchange and getting settled in.

Naiara. I love this girl. She is really funny, has the funniest laugh ever, and is really accomodating. She and Luis sit behind me and Gonzalo and we get to chat a bit. She's really cute :)

And that's my class. I quite like them :)

Sorry that my blog has been so disjointed, I have been writing it all weekend. I thought that I would share another little bit from my journal.

"I'm currently sitting at the table outside of the coffee shop at the tennis, and I'm quite cold as teh wind has a bite to it. It it's nice nonetheless. I love where I'm living - it's so beautiful. I feel so blessed to be here, but I do feel a little jealous of the exchangers living in Madrid. They're all so central to everyone and everything. But I know I shouldn't dwell on that. I should dwell on the face that I am close to my town and can walk everywhere, whereas they cannot. I should see that I have been able to go to Madrid, and will be able to do that again and again. I have people like Joc, who seem to call at the right time and offer such a sense of comfort when I'm feeling down. I've gone to France. I am wiht a family who genuinely care fore me. I am with a family who will allow me to experience many different things. I am able to get an exchange experience that I know will be an excellent success. There are many things that I struggle with on exchnage. There are things that I love. there are things that will frustrate me or make me feel like a failure. But I know. I know with every essence of my body, that going on exchange is the right thing me for to do. I might get frustrated beyond belief or want to give up, but like they say:
"Exchange...they never said it would be easy, just that it would be worth it."

It's now Sunday night, past my bedtime and I thought I'd leave you with a book I just read Javier. It is a book called Lotsa de Casha by Madonna. Here is the blurb. "Lotsa de Casha was by far the richest man in teh country. He had everything that money could buy, but no matter how much money Lotsa made, he wasn't happy. No matter how many grand castles, fast horses or fancy carriages he bough, he was still a gloomy old sourpuss. Find out how Lotsa not only discovered the secret to happiness, but also found a friend."

I think this has got to be my new favourite book. It was filled with different facts, which added to the story, but I think also said a lot about how to live life. I was greatly encouraged by the words, and encourage you to read the book. I'll leave you with some of the quotes.

"Fact number 1: Just because something's expensive doesn't mean it's worth it."

"Fact number 2: Unhappy people like it when everyone else is unhappy."

"Fact number 3: The secret to happiness is this: if you share what you have and ut others before you, you will find happiness."

"Fact number 4: Unhappy people always attract more unhappiness."

"Fact number 5: Smiling is contagious."

"Fact number 6: When you learn to share, oyu will not only find happiness. You will also find a friend."

"Lotsa de Casha had never worked so hard in his life. He had never seen so many people smile. He was starting to feel good about himself.... he thought about how nice everyone had been. He realised that he hadn't thought about how much money he had for over a week. He realised he was happy."

In what ways are we able to share today?

One month...

This will be a very short post (as it's midnight and I just finished watching a movie with the family and I'm exhausted) to say that I made it to my one month anniversary!!

How incredible, and how crazy? I can't believe that I have been in Spain for a whole month. I feel like I'm still the 'newbie', still finding my footing in this crazy place called Spain; yet at the same time, I feel like I have been here forever. I had a bout of homesickness today. It was a bittersweet day, as I felt so excited that I had made it to the one month mark, but then realised that I still had 11 more to go. Not to say that I don't want to have them, because believe me, I can't wait for these next 11 months. I am no where near ready to come home yet. But it's been a month since I've hugged Mum, talked with Dad (face to face), cuddled Bonnie, hung out with my siblings, watched movies with Ape and Min, laughed with Tarn, had coffees with Jo and Pip, played with Ellyn, enjoyed spending time with my relatives. All the people that are most important to me are in Australia, and today, I felt incredibly sad that I wasn't there with them. I am constantly missing home, but I know it's not forever. I can acknowledge that I miss home, but not get sad about it. Today I was sad. A month is a long time without the comfort of familiarity.

I sent an email to Mum and Dad saying so, and as soon as I pressed send, I went out to Tudela with María and Ana and had the time of my life, making me extremely happy to be in Spain. I acknowledged that I missed home, but was no longer sad about it. I felt like that was a huge reason to celebrate... to know when you're homesick, but approach it in a way to combat that feeling of sadness.

Prayer is, of course, essential in this. Where would I be without prayer and God? I know I probably say this in every post, but it's so true, and such an important part in my exchange and how it plays out: God is a constant in my life. Everything changes except him. Jas (my sister-in-law) sent me an email today, and it was just what I needed. (I hope you don't mind me showing this little bit Jas!)

"It says in Hebrews 4:16 Let us then approach God's throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.
So enter his throne room and sit at his feet, let him refresh you and bring you peace, strength, comfort, hope, health, joy, forgiveness, passion, energy, restoration and most of all bask in his love for you!"

It was what I needed to read, and I felt like it was such a God moment.

Anyway I'm exhausted so I'll post again tomorrow and let you know how my week has been! Love to all x x

So long, farewell...

This will probably be my last post in Australia.

Such a weird feeling to be writing that sentence. Ever since I decided to go on exchange, and started the process of applying, I have been avidly reading blogs of exchange students. I would get so excited at their 'last post in home country' entry, eagerly anticipating the time when I would be in their shoes.

Well, the time has come, (I leave in 2 sleeps, on Thursday afternoon) and I can say that this period of time is a time of a crazy amount of emotions. I am constantly thinking about exchange, and everything that I do is about exchange now. I only have two sleeps left in my own bed, and then I will be away for a year. The countdowns have well and truly started, some already having finished.

Can I just say that saying goodbye sucks?! I have felt so emotionally tired from all of the goodbyes I have said. I think I'm going to make it without crying... and then they smile at me, or say, "I love you" and I lose it. I'm a silent crier. I scrunch my face up and cry silently, and so forcefully that I can't speak. My brothers (particularly Grant) make fun of my crying, and I have exposed many people to this style over the past couple of days. Saying goodbye to small things, like crunchy peanut butter, no. 2 at the petrol station outside of maccas, maccas visits after church and youthgroup, Martin's lookout, the smell of gumtrees, walking at home in barefeet... these are all goodbyes that I have said 'goodbye' with sadness, but with a knowledge that I will return home and they will still be there. Saying goodbye to friends, especially my friends starting uni is another matter. This year, in particular, is a year of huge change for my friendship group... people starting uni, moving out of home... I will return from my year on exchange, and everyone will have gone through a massive journey. I sometimes feel left out of my friends' world; as I'll be experiencing and I'll be apart of their life from the side lines. I'll be watching, cheering them on (via Facebook and Skype of course!), but I won't be there physically. This isn't to say that I've only just realised that; I knew this was a part of exchange. It just doesn't make goodbyes easier.

This is a photo of me and my sister-in-law at my farewell party that I had on Saturday night. I loved the party so much. It was such a celebration of the friendship I have with everyone, and I felt so blessed to have so many people there farewelling me as I embark on my exchange. It was a little sad, but overall, a celebration of life, friendship, and of the adventures of exchange.

I said goodbye to some of my relatives tonight. We had a family dinner. Oh so sad, I thought I would never stop crying. To make matters worse, my goldfish died. Long story short, I had a hate relationship with my fish. Galileo was given to me for my 16th birthday, almost three years ago. He was black. After about three months, he turned gold, indicating he was sick. I always made jokes, "Just die!" (Though, now that he is dead, I think of him with fond memories!) Dad loved Galileo. He would feed him often three times a day, when I would go three weeks without feeding him. When I was in charge of Galileo, his tank would be green before I cleaned it; with Dad, the tank would be cleaned at least once a week. So with all my, "Oh I don't care about you, you stupid fish!" what did I do when I found out he was dead? I cried. It was just another sign that everything about my life right now is coming to an end. Last Thursday I cried for about an hour because I realised I wouldn't have my dog Bonnie with me all the time. I seriously don't know what I'll do without my white ball of fluff. Cutest. Thing. Ever. Tonight I sat with Mum and Dad and watched an episode of House (second last episode of season 5). Tomorrow we'll finish off the season, and then it will be an end of an era. No more sitting in bed watching t.v. shows on DVD with them before bed. At least for a year. The luxuries of my life now are being taken away, and in no time will be replaced with new luxuries of my new host family. It's sad though. I will miss my parents and family and friends beyond measure. I will miss their familiarity, and the comfort of their hugs, and the way that I know what makes them tick. But they'll be here, and when I get back, we'll be together again.

So, goodbye Australia. Goodbye my family and friends. Goodbye home. Goodbye Bonnie. Enjoy your year, I know I will, and I'll see you in one short year.

Host Family and Visas

God has answered my prayers! After my big stress on Thursday night, I got my visa on Friday, and my host family on today!

I was hanging out with my (AWESOME!) friend Ellyn, and I needed to check something on the internet, so I routinley checked my hotmail, and there was the beautiful email from my advisor that was titled, "Placement". I got so excited I started screaming, "I HAVE A HOST FAMILY!" And mum and I started screaming and it was so exciting.

My host family sounds lovely, and I will be living in a town called Tudela, in a region called Navarra, in the north of Spain. It looks beautiful and my town was built in 800AD. The new part of town doesn't seem as pretty, but the old town looks really cool! Tudela is 90km away from Pamplona, where the running of the bulls is!!! And its about 150km?? from the French border. It's pretty cool to know where I'll be living!

I have a father, who is an economist, a mother who is a psychologist, a younger sister Ana, 13; a younger sister María, 11; and a younger brother Javier, 6. I'm so excited to be the eldest in the family!!

I think the thing I'm most worried about is the language. Navarra is a region that speaks Basque, also known as Euskera. It is completely different to Spanish. To say 'hello' in Castellano (Spanish) is 'hola'. To say hello in Euskera is 'Kaixo' (pronounced Kai-sho). So it's completely different. I don't know how dominant Euskera is, and what language my school will be taught in, but I'll at least get a grasp for each language.

But I am so so so excited to finally have a family and a place, and a visa!!! Yay! An answer to prayer.

Itinerary!

Yesterday I got my itinerary for Spain!

It is as follows:

Thursday 4/2/10 Depart Sydney at 5:30pm
Thursday 4/2/10 Arrive Bangkok at 10:45pm
Friday 5/2/10 Depart Bangkok at 12:10am
Friday 5/2/10 Arrive London Heathrow at 5:55am
Friday 5/2/10 Depart London Heathrow at 8:20am
Friday 5/2/10 Arrive MADRID!!! at 11:35am

Though, this is subject to change if my VISA still hasn't come through by then. So it may be later, but hopefully not!

So exciting - I finally have a date to depart, but also makes it a whole lot more real. I am finally understanding and realising, that in less than one month, I will leaving for Spain, (probably in Spain at this moment in one month!).

Although, I don't have a host family, which kinda sucks so hopefully I'll find out that soon :)

Woo hoo!! I'm going to Spain!

Headache.

Yesterday I had my first experience of an exchange related headache.

The definition of an exchange related headache? Listening to another language for an extended period of time, concentrating so hard to understand, you end up with a headache.

I suppose my time wasn't extended - only 2 hours, but it was enough to get my head throbbing, as I tried so hard to understand the excited, fast-spoken South American at the Spanish church I attended yesterday.

I have decided that, as a Christian, when I go over to Spain, I want to be connected to a church, and experience life as a Christian in another culture. I also wanted to experience a Spanish church in my own country as well, which had me looking up Spanish church services. This one was in Merrylands, and was so much fun. I got a little lost on my way there (thanks Google Maps!) and finally decided to take the logical route, getting me there a little after 9. I rocked up at the front door, to hear people singing in Spanish, and I was overcome with a great sense of joy, knowing that next year, I will be immersed in this beautiful language. The 'welcomer' welcomed me, and looking me up and down, knowing I wasn't Spanish, asked if I knew that it was a Spanish service, and if I spoke Spanish. I said that I was learning, and he showed me inside and I joined in singing songs to God in Spanish.

I think some of my favourite memories of travelling overseas have been where I have been connected to a culture through our shared faith. When I was in Tonga, on a 2 week exchange with my school, I felt a great connection to the people, and the way they viewed life. I loved going to their 2 hour+ church services, where I had no idea what they were talking about, because it was such an amazing experience, where I realised that language barriers do not stop people from connecting. When I was in Hong Kong, on another 2 week exchange with my school, we attended a church where we sung a well-known song in English, them in Cantonese. To be unified through songs of worship, the barrier that stops a large amount of communicating seems to fade away, and we are united in our shared faith. I think that that experience is something out of this world, and amazing, and I think everyone should have the opportunity to experience it.

But to experience singing in Spanish, understanding the words... that was just... amazing.

I pretty much had no idea about what the pastor spoke about - by the end of the service, I understood the main points he was talking about, but not in detail. But my head was bursting with concentration! After church had finished, the 'welcomer' came and chatted with me, and got me a coffee, and I walked around looking at the church and the different people, a cacophony of Spanish mixed with English assailing my senses. I saw what I think was a father and daughter, and we asked the normal, "¿Como estas? ¿Como te llamas?" etc... and we spoke for a couple of minutes just asking general questions. They finally moved on to English, asking if I spoke English, and I was like, "Yes!!! Yes I do! My brain hurts!" And they were quite surprised that I wasn't a Spanish speaker - they said my accent was great, which made me feel great. I also got to talk to the pastor, and he said that he had lots of contacts in Spain, and would easily be able to connect me with a church.

I felt like I had experienced my first taste of what Spain will be like - 2 short hours, and my head was ready to burst... Imagine a whole day, week, year. It's crazy, but at the same time, exhilerating and exciting to think of the challenges I will have next year. Whenever I get nervous or feel ridiculously underprepared, I always think to the end product. I will be able to speak another language fluently!

I think that learning a second language is so incredibly important in our lives, as it removes prejudice from our lives, and allows us to connect with other cultures. Learning another language removes our ignorance of other cultures, and other people not of our own race. Learning another language allows a deeper insight and appreciation of other cultures that we would not have had to the same degree if we had not learnt the language of the culture. Learning another language is extremely important for people today, in a world so full of segregation, discrimination and racism. Language is really important for removing prejudice and ignorance because diversity and differences should be seen as assets to be valued, and not the basis of discrimination. By understanding another language we are able to connect with other people outside our own culture and go beyond language barriers to create a community across nations and the world. Learning Spanish is great as it is spoken by such a large number of people, across a diverse number of countries. Having this ability to speak to someone across the world, from another socio-economic status and culture is an extremely rewarding one, which would not be as possible without the ability to speak another language.

I encourage anyone out there that actually does read this blog (If there is anyone that does leave me comments!! :P) to think about exchange, and about all the rewarding aspects of it. If you are worried about language, and how you aren't naturally a language person, I would suggest that you still look at different peoples blogs, and know that you can go on exchange to same language countries (in my case English- the US, Canada, the UK etc...).

These past few days, I have been incredibly blessed with a passion for exchange, language and an excitiment that cannot be rivaled. It shocks me that I leave in only two short months, but I really do feel like everything is happening. I have handed in my VISA application ($400 later!), am officially not a criminal ($200 for a criminal record history check??), and am hopefully on my way to finding out my host family.

I love exchange, and all the experiences it brings me. Someone once told me that exchange really takes 3 years: 1 to prepare (2009), 1 to actually go on exchange (2010), and one to evaluate and go through home culture shock (2011). And I've realised that it is so true - exchange does take 3 years, and I'm experiencing my first year right now. I cannot wait for the actual journey to begin, and for you to be a part of it with me, through this blog.

I Hate Exchange.

This week I have hated that I'm going on exchange. I have finished school, and it has finally made me realise that I won't be seeing my friends five days a week, which makes me incredibly sad. But, then I realised that when I go to Spain I won't see them for a whole year, making me even sadder. I feel like I'm going to miss my friends and family so much, and that I will miss out on a year of their lives.

This is not to say that I want to not go on exchange, because I know that it will an awesome experience, and even if I do miss my friends, in the end it will be so so beneficial. But I just thought I'd post about how exchange is not something that is rosy, and all fun. Because it isn't. It's hard, and painful, but in the end so so so worthwhile those hard moments.

So, do I really hate exchange? Not really, but I do hate the aspect of not seeing my friends and family for a year.